So things have been somewhat rough at work, lately. Admittedly, this is not a new problem. It’s hard to stay focused, things keep getting missed, and a pile of things keep crashing down on top. It’s tough, because the line of work I’m in, doesn’t agree with certain medical conditions of which I’m prone to suffering.
From essentially as long as I remember, I’ve suffered from depression in one way or another. I’ve been through occasional bouts of denial, where I fool myself in thinking I’m over it, but it’s always there and some days I handle that better than others. This time last year, I was on medication for the first time in my life, but it only really helped in the beginning, and due to financial constraints early this year, I weened myself off it – my body had adjusted to the drugs, so they really didn’t have the same potency anymore. I currently stand before you unmedicated, which is not a course I’d recommend, but I feel I have a better handle on it right now which allows me that grace. I don’t think I can remain this way, however.
Depression isn’t as easy to fix, if you’re as prone to it as I am. It could be the cause of deep, personal trauma, a lifetime being stuck in particular thought patterns, or it could even be a genetic disposition where your brain is just chemically arranged in that way. Typically, it involves a two-prong approach – drugs and therapy – in the hopes that one (if not both) can tackle the cause. For me, both of these things seem to produce good results at first, but then my body and mind adjust to how I “normally” am. Due to family history, I’m inclined to think the cause is more physical than mental, but I wouldn’t rule it out entirely. It’s important to try have an open mind about these things if you suffer from depression.
It hasn’t been as crippling this year as it has previously in my life, and in some cases I can put a lid on it and soldier on. It is, however, becoming increasingly difficult to manage, and I’m not sure what the answer is in dealing with that.
Work is suffering as a result, and my current employers aren’t the patient type. Ideally, time away from the stresses of my job would help me to regain focus, but it’s just not even remotely financially viable right now. I dodged the bullet at my last long-term workplace with this, I don’t think I can do the same again, and it’s hard to explain to future employers why there’s a year vacant in my resume.
How will posting this on the internet help? Dunno, but at least it’s one weight off my chest. I’m not sure how I’m going to handle tomorrow (hence writing this at 1AM), but I need to at least try.